Tuesday, September 2, 2014

An open letter to the lady who stole my writing and posted it on Facebook as her own...

To Ms. Karla Brunt of Langley, British Columbia

Hey Karla!  Wes here.  I can't write on your wall because we're not "friends" for some reason, but I figure I'll just write this on my blog and you can copy and paste it to your wall (again) if you want.

So… how's the whole "taking down that rant Wes wrote about the teachers" thing going?  You know… that thing you stole and got 'famous' for?  I alerted the facebook robots and I suppose an actual facebook human is going to review this situation… and you know… maybe just delete it or kick you off facebook or some other nasty shit.  It's too bad.  I feel we could have been such good friends.  I mean, for a minute there I thought you had written the exact same words I wrote and I was all like, "My God, what an amazing co-incidence!  I mean, right down to the Geoff Berner reference!  That shit is amazing!"

But then you wrote that you had in fact copied it off my page and… let's say… forgot to credit me… and then refused to again when you were busted.  Which was weird.  But hey, let's let the authorities sort it out.  Maybe there's a loophole in the law where you actually are allowed to completely steal someone's writing and post it as your own.  I'm pretty familiar with Canadian Copyright law though.  I had to sue a guy once for publishing a thing I wrote as though he had written it.  Got $5000 bucks.  Actually the lawyer took half, but it was still pretty sweet.

Hey, speaking of getting paid, if you ever need any ghost-writing, I'm here for you.  I could even learn your writing 'voice' by adding little hearts and using the letter "U" for "you".  That's really very clever.  I thought only Prince was allowed to do that.  Crazy, huh?  The things you and I learn about the art of writing.

 I'm glad you enjoyed my words enough to steal them… because, you know… that's what I do.  I write things.  I'm  sort of like a construction worker, but with less heavy lifting.  Ok.. no heavy lifting.  Hey, what am I even talking about?  You're a writer too!  You're the famous Karla Brunt, the amazing person who 'wrote' a rant about teachers that got 5000 SHARES!  That's more than I got.  Well done!

You should be very proud of yourself.  You're internet famous.  But I think you can get even more internet famous if you hire me to write your status updates more often… or at least help you with the spelling.  For example, your status update from July 10th, 2014:

" ~ Life will lead YOU down the path your ment to TAKE ~ Mistakes or no mistakes we're HUMAN~ "

I like the sentiment.  Basically "You have no choice but to live the life the universe gives you, so why take any responsibilities?  You're a homosapien!"  Brilliant.  People need to read that.  And like it.  And share it.  And steal it.  It's too good not to steal.

However...

I would constructively suggest that you could go even further and try to develop a rhythm that fits your brilliant and original thought.  In short, put more words in all-caps.

Oh yeah… turns out the word "ment" is actually spelled "m-e-a-n-t".  I know, weird huh?  Who puts a silent "a" in a word?  Makes no sense, but that's English for you.  Also, it's "you're", not "your"… that's a tricky one.

So here's how I'd suggest you do it:

" ~ LIFE will LEAD YOU down the PATH you're MEANT to TAKE ~ Mistakes OR no mistakes, we're HUMAN~ "

You think?  I find people generally respond better to messages that randomly YELL at them. Also I added a comma before "we're HUMAN"…  I think it's nicer, it gives the reader a little pause before you bring home your final baffling message.  Also, pro tip, remember, you can edit your posts after you've written them… you know… so you don't look like a fucking idiot.

Also, obviously I'd add a few more "fucks" and "fuckings" and "shits" in there.  I'm pretty sure that's the only reason people shared our rant about the fucking teachers in the first place.

Anyhoo, look at us, a couple of professional writers, just gabbin' away.  I should probably let you go.  Let me know if you wanna collaborate on something some time, or at least when you get your book published.

Love,
Wesley (aka your favourite ghost writer)

p.s.  Tell you what.  You buy my album and we'll call it even.  You can even change the mp3 tags so it looks like it's your album!  That would be fun!  It wouldn't be the first time someone misattributed my music to someone else.  Here's the link:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/better-than-i-am/id573061951

--

Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

15 comments:

  1. More pro tips please!

    Brillo. Just Brillo.

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  3. Not being a huge fan of the recent 'open letter' craze, I was hesitant to read this blog post. However, I found it chock full of useful tips for writing which I found illuminating and refreshing. Thank you for making us all better writers, Wes. Be careful though! You don't want to render your position redundant.
    p.s. I read your poem with my 14 year old son and he could barely get through it for the tear-filled laughter. Thanks for that, too.
    p.p.s Have you considered becoming a fucking teacher? You're pretty good at it.

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    1. Oh Ms. Emilie. I do love you so. I can't take the pressure of being a teacher. 6 hours a week is plenty for me.

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  4. Really good. Pretty sure I'm going to steal this.

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  5. Look, stop stigmatizing internet gypsies stealing stuff from grammar nazis!

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  6. 1. Thank you.
    B. Please don't enter the world teaching, keep spreading the Go-Spell!
    And finally, I hope there is some justice for such a hideous crime. There is no excuse for theft of such a nature in this day and age of enlightenment.
    and...
    F. Me thinks my prose has fallen short of such high standards...but I try to think that by responding in support, I do the best I can to rid this galaxy of such woeful excuses for educated beings that we continue to see entering the world of BLOG...it's hard, and difficult too, not for everyone. It takes a keen and clever mind and you sir have what it takes. Keep up the great work.

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  7. Karla Brunt Season Finale notes:

    For those on the edges of their seats, the season finale played out thusly:
    Karla wrote back to me finally and told me "Oh is that the best you can do?" and that I shouldn't "threathen" her. I hope no one has been threathening her, because that would be mean and mean is not good. Because it's mean.

    She's blocked me, which is adorable. I offered her a chance to come on the tour I'm going on with Shirley Gnome in Ontario. I suggested we debate Canadian Copyright Law. She seemed up for it, but then he read the open letter I wrote to her and wrote, "blah blah blah. And you're blocked". If we get renewed for a season 2, it'll probably start with our wedding and then work backwards from now.

    In other news…hey real friends! I got a phone device. You don't have to talk to me through the facebook machine anymore! Huzzah!

    For anyone who gives a shit or is bored at work, I was on the local FM Radio machine. Now they put it on the interweb machine.

    https://soundcloud.com/thezone913/jeremy-baker-wes-borg-talking-facebook-plagiarism

    And I'm pretty sure my 15 minutes are up… again.

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  8. Artists need to get credit where credit is due. Good letter Wes.

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  9. None so cruel as the trly righteous (I looked that up in case I spelled it wrong.)

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  10. ~ SHIT will FUCK YOU down the PATH you're MEANT to TAKE ~ Fucked OR not fucked, we're SCREWED~

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